[Charles shook his head immediately. The disbelief wasn't exactly unexpected, but it was still depressing, to be confronted with, to see that Tony's sense of how people should or do feel about him is this distorted. He's known, obviously, from the file and from seeing how he interacts with others and talks about his past and himself, but it's another thing to be viscerally shown it like this, even if he's just touching the surface of his mind, and he's determined to set the record straight on a few matters, here.]
I've always had a choice. If I ever thought you were too frustrating to put up with or I wasn't the right warden for you, I could have asked for a reassignment. [He would have, but there's never really been a moment even close to that. The only sort of person he doesn't think he could ever work with would be someone like Shaw, and Tony was absolutely nothing like him, so.] But I haven't, and I'm not going to.
[He shifts uncomfortably in his chair for a moment, straightening, missing being able to move his legs easily, for a moment letting himself get distracted by his own breach life, and how easy it had been to walk and run and climb stairs. It's almost wistful.
But it's really just a momentary distraction from what he feels as if he has to say, because this is important, even if part of isn't something he's really ever discussed with people. He's touched on it before with Tony, he'd told Erik very matter of factly the other night that his mother had been a drunk, but this was different because it was about how Charles felt about the whole thing, instead of talking about what someone else had done or what they'd said.]
I understand what it's like to have a parent who doesn't seem to particularly care for you on the best of days, and acts like you're an utter nuisance they wish had never been born on the worst. It's difficult, and you feel terribly lonely and like nothing you're ever going to do is ever going to be enough for the people you want to care about you. [And he still did that, didn't he? Erik and Raven had left, because he hadn't done enough, because he'd screwed up. He knew that wasn't entirely the reason for Erik, really, but if he'd just been more understanding, if he'd been more supportive, maybe Raven wouldn't have left. He tried to bury the thoughts, focusing determinedly on Tony.] But you can't allow that to determine your sense of self worth, Tony. You're not the one who doesn't matter, here. You have people who care about you because there is good in you, even if you're too stubborn to see it yourself most of the time, and before you start with how you're not "the hero type", you can be. You have so much potential you're denying to yourself because you feel as if you don't deserve it, and that isn't fair to anyone, least of all yourself.
Howard Stark's opinions on who you are and what you're capable of don't matter. The press' opinions on who and what you've done don't matter. What matters is you are someone who has people who care about him and don't want to watch him destroy himself, especially not for their sakes, someone who can be a hero and help others because it's the right thing to do, not because you're trying to atone for anything. And someday, you're going to realize that, and you'll graduate and be able to go home and be that man, and you'll realize that's who you deserve to be, because there is so much good in you, Tony. I've seen it, I've felt it, and I wish you'd let yourself do the same.
[Spam]
I've always had a choice. If I ever thought you were too frustrating to put up with or I wasn't the right warden for you, I could have asked for a reassignment. [He would have, but there's never really been a moment even close to that. The only sort of person he doesn't think he could ever work with would be someone like Shaw, and Tony was absolutely nothing like him, so.] But I haven't, and I'm not going to.
[He shifts uncomfortably in his chair for a moment, straightening, missing being able to move his legs easily, for a moment letting himself get distracted by his own breach life, and how easy it had been to walk and run and climb stairs. It's almost wistful.
But it's really just a momentary distraction from what he feels as if he has to say, because this is important, even if part of isn't something he's really ever discussed with people. He's touched on it before with Tony, he'd told Erik very matter of factly the other night that his mother had been a drunk, but this was different because it was about how Charles felt about the whole thing, instead of talking about what someone else had done or what they'd said.]
I understand what it's like to have a parent who doesn't seem to particularly care for you on the best of days, and acts like you're an utter nuisance they wish had never been born on the worst. It's difficult, and you feel terribly lonely and like nothing you're ever going to do is ever going to be enough for the people you want to care about you. [And he still did that, didn't he? Erik and Raven had left, because he hadn't done enough, because he'd screwed up. He knew that wasn't entirely the reason for Erik, really, but if he'd just been more understanding, if he'd been more supportive, maybe Raven wouldn't have left. He tried to bury the thoughts, focusing determinedly on Tony.] But you can't allow that to determine your sense of self worth, Tony. You're not the one who doesn't matter, here. You have people who care about you because there is good in you, even if you're too stubborn to see it yourself most of the time, and before you start with how you're not "the hero type", you can be. You have so much potential you're denying to yourself because you feel as if you don't deserve it, and that isn't fair to anyone, least of all yourself.
Howard Stark's opinions on who you are and what you're capable of don't matter. The press' opinions on who and what you've done don't matter. What matters is you are someone who has people who care about him and don't want to watch him destroy himself, especially not for their sakes, someone who can be a hero and help others because it's the right thing to do, not because you're trying to atone for anything. And someday, you're going to realize that, and you'll graduate and be able to go home and be that man, and you'll realize that's who you deserve to be, because there is so much good in you, Tony. I've seen it, I've felt it, and I wish you'd let yourself do the same.